and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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