The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
