Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
