I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
