i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
