nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
