apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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