I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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