Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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