U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
