So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
