you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
