Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
