She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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