After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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