that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
