they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
