u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You ruined the universe
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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