My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
