o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
