i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
