in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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