OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
