I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
