i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
