Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
