Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
