the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
