so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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