OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
