I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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