its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
