im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
