dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
