So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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