No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
