Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
