There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
