Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
