i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
