I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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