It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
