So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize