"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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