Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm like, not good at living.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
