You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
