Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
