Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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