i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
