my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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