So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I bet he comes in French.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
