I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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