i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
even my farts smell like vagina
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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