If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
