You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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