good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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