nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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