Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
