he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
