I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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