Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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