yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
