you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
